Lets steal the world’s crappiest car!

Update: Bumper stickers (and that damn rusty car) have turned up abandoned and recovered by the cops. Minus the ignition and stereo as expected. CL ad is down now, but here’s how it looked (minus the plate and VIN).

Lost: Bumper stickers. Attached to stolen blue Honda Accord (Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-02-21, 11:19PM CST
Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here

Someone stole my awesome bumper stickers tonight. And incidentally my rusty ’94 Accord, although I’m not sure why anyone would want that. Was taken between about 5:45pm and 6:45pm on 2-21-12.

The bumper stickers with the most sentimental value are “There really is a Cod Knobs USA” (there isn’t, but it’s a long story), and a big red Ax-Man sticker which looks pretty cool. I could probably get another one, but it won’t look as good on my bicycle, which I’ll be riding to work through the snow for the foreseeable future.

Car is plate # *****, VIN # ********. Mostly blue (“Sage green” per Honda… which means Blue in English). Black hood and newer fender due to accident, hints of rust and bondo throughout. Most major parts held on with zipties and/or duct tape. Three antennas on the back, one bent-up CB antenna, a twisted Ham radio antenna, and the 3rd is the stock “retractable” radio antenna which refuses to retract. Has an aftermarket roof rack, also attached largely with duct tape.

Probably didn’t get far, since it gets about 5 miles to the gallon. I’m not really sure any more, the odometer stopped turning at 200k, and that was 3 years ago. Also not sure how they got it to shift out of park, that’s been getting harder every day. I changed the transmission fluid last weekend and it was mostly metal shavings. The fuel filter is about shot and the plugs need to be replaced, hopefully the thief has a skinny arm and can reach waaay back in there to find the filter (I think it’s behind the mouse nest). The brakes are about gone, it goes from 0-60 in 17 minutes, and I’m not sure what that rattling noise is when it hits 65, I just try to ignore it. The CO poisoning only hits after 45 minutes, since I think the pop cans and hose clamps are still holding the exhaust together pretty well. Other identifying features include the missing drivers-side turn signal, horrible grinding/buzzing noise when the power lock is pushed, some plastic thing that hangs down and scrapes on the road, nonfunctional rear seatbelts, broken left rear power window, broken AC, crack along entire bottom of windshield, and spiderweb fracture on passenger side of windshield where I got mad and beat on some particularly nasty ice build up.

Oh, if you’re the thief, please note the 2-way radio in the dash (if you haven’t already pawned it for meth). Turn it on, turn it to channel 5, and call me up, I’d love to chat about your mother. Also, please feel free to handle, use, and/or lick anything you find in the trunk. I do a lot of sewer-related work and I don’t tend to wash my tools before throwing them in there. Good luck at the pawn shop with those too, I don’t know if they take sewage-coated shovels and boots. Oh, and try not to go faster than 80… things fall off.

Aside from the bumper stickers, I’m mostly upset that I lost the brand-new pack of tic-tacs in the glove box, those set me back a whole $2. Also I was really looking forward to someday selling the car this way, by writing a snarky CL ad listing all its faults and trying to get $100 for it. Probably would have settled for $20 and a case of beer though, and the buyer would have to let me undo the zipties holding the bumper on so I could keep the stickers.

Anyway, if anyone sees a blue Accord with roof rack and antennas shedding parts on its way down the road, or notices it broken down in a ditch somewhere (where it usually is), please email me.

It looks like this, but without the boats (unless the thief is also using it to steal boats):


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: